When A Friend Has AIDS
While serious illness is a fact of everyday life, AIDS has posed new challenges for everyone involved: not only individuals with AIDS, but also their friends. People who are in the prime of their lives have become ill, and their prospects for a long life have been severely affected. Their suffering and fear is shared by the people close to them.
When someone you know becomes ill, especially with a serious illness like AIDS, you may feel helpless and inadequate. If he has been a good friend, you may say, "Just call if you need anything." Then out of fear or insecurity you may dread the call, if it comes. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that may help you to help someone who is very ill.
 | Don't avoid him. Be there --- it instills hope. Be the friend, the loved one you've always been, especially now when its most important. |
| Touch him. A simple squeeze of the hand or a hug can let him know that you still care. (Don't be afraid ... you cannot contract AIDS by simple touching.) |
| Call before you plan to visit. He may not feel up to a visitor that day. Don't be afraid to call back and visit another occassion. He needs you. He may be lonely and afraid. |
| Weep with him when he weeps. Laugh when he laughs. Don't be afraid to share these intimate experiences. They can enrich you both. |
| Call and say you're bringing his favorite dish. Be specific about what time you are coming. Bring the food in disposable containers, so he won't worry about washing dishes. Spend time sharing a meal. |
| Take him for a walk or an outing, but ask about and know his limitations. |
| Offer to help answer any correspondence with which he may have difficulty dealing. |
| Call and ask for a shopping list and make a "special delivery" to his home. |
| Help him celebrate holidays --- and life --- by decorating his home or hospital room. Bring flowers or other special treasures. Include him in your holiday festivities. |
| Help his lover, care-partner, or roommate. Though he is the one who is sick, they may also be suffering. Care- partners may also need a small break from the illness from time to time. Offer to stay with the person who is sick in order to give his loved ones a break. Invite them out. Offer to accompany them places. They may need someone to talk with as well. |
| Though he is gay, he may be a father. Help care for his children. Offer to bring them to visit. |
| Be creative. Bring books, periodicals, taped music, a poster for the wall, home-baked cookies or delicacies to share with visitors. All of these become especially important now. Bring along another old friend who perhaps hasn't yet been to visit. |
| Don't be reluctant to ask about his illness. He may need to talk about his condition. Find out by asking: "Do you feel like talking about it?" |
| Don't feel that you both always have to talk. It's okay to sit together silently reading, listening to music, watching television ... holding hands. Much can be expressed without words. |
| Can you take him somewhere? He may need transportation to a treatment ... to the store or bank ... to his physician ... or perhaps a movie. |
| Help him feel good about his looks if possible. Tell him he looks good, but only if it is realistic to do so. If his appearance has changed, don't ignore it. Acknowledge the fact. Be gentle, and remember ... never lie. |
| Include him in decision making. He's been robbed of so many things and has lost control over many aspects of his life. Don't deny him a chance to make decisions, no matter how simple or silly they may seem to you. |
| Tell him what you'd like to do for him, and if he agrees, do it. Keep any promises you make. |
| Be prepared for him to get angry with you for "no obvious reason," although you've been there and done everything you could. Permit him this, and don't take it personally. Feel flattered that he is close enough to you to risk sharing his anger and frustration. |
| Dish with him if he indicatyes that he's tired of talking symptoms, doctors and treatments. If he seems interested, fill him in on disco, gym, organizations or mutual friends. Take your cues from him. |
| What's in the news? Discuss current events with him --- from gay and straight press. Help him keep from feeling that the world is passing him by. |
| Offer to do household chores, perhaps taking out the laundry, washing dishes, watering plants, feeding and walking pets. This may be appreciated more than you realize. However, don't do for him what he can do for himself. Don't take away chores he can still do. He's lost enough already. Ask before doing anything. |
| Send a card that says simply "I care!" |
| If you are religious, ask if you could pray for him, or with him. Don't be hesitant to share your faith with him. Spirituality can be very important at times such as these. |
| Don't lecture him or be angry if he seems to be handling his illness in a way that you think is inappropriate. He may not be where you expect or need him to be. |
| Don't permit him to blame himself for his illness. Being gay didn't give him AIDS. Remind him that lifestyles don't causes diseases, germs do. Help him through this one. It may be especially hard for him. |
| If you and he are going to engage in sex, be informed about the precautions which make sex safer for both of you. Heed them! Be imaginative ... touch, stroke, massage. Sex need not always be genital to be fun. |
| Remember that as gay men our friends and lovers are also our families. Demonstrate this by behaving like a loving family member. |
| Do not confuse his acceptance of the illness with defeat. This acceptance may free him and give him a sense of his own power. |
| Don't allow him or his care-partner to become isolated. Let them know about the support groups and other concrete, practical services offered without charge by Gay Men's Health Crisis or similar organizations outside the New York area. |
| Talk abot the future with him ... tomorrow, next week, next year. Hope is important to him. |
| Bring a positive attitude. It's catching. |
Although these thoughts are meant primarily for the gay community, they are relelvant to all who are seriously ill, because illness is part of the human condition. These suggestions have been adapted to the specialized needs of gay men with AIDS by Chelsea Psychotherapy Associates.
This brochure is based on materials available from: GAY MEN'S HEALTH CRISIS, the first community based organization dedicated to serving the needs of people with AIDS, their friends, lovers and families, MAKE TODAY COUNT, a self-help group for the terminally ill with chapters thoughout the U.S., and SHNTI NILAYA, an organization founded by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, world-renowned pioneer in working with peope who are dying and their families.
©1984 Chelsea Psychotherapy Associates